Mine? Literally flawless!

Hello, fairies! I've been busy for the whole semester, trying to survive the whole thing about college, and now I'm officially back! Well, I'm currently trying to get my life back, before I fall into this college life. I do not hate college, but there's some stuffs that seems and feels do not that fit with me. I don't know either me or that stuffs who was wrong. I just feel, I'm not into them. And guess what am I doing to get my life back? I was going to Jogjakarta for a short trip! Although only for 3 days, but it was awesome! I went there with Ozi and two friends of him. But this post not gonna tell you about the whole trip, it just about me and Ozi's trip.

Okay, let's start. We're in backpacker-mode for this trip, we went up there by train & the most precious thing in this trip, is when he sat next to me, for five hours, talking about nothing and everything, laughing about people in the train, it just...everything I need. You know, we have been busy for our own stuffs. Even we're in the same university and the same faculty, but we're rarely meet. I think it was the matter of being in a relationship in the path of-engineer-life, you are busy, your fiancee too. All the thing you have to do is just make it works. 

Many strange and sucks happened when we're there, like being lied by pak-pak tukang becak for two times!!! (I definitely hate them for God's sake) but the strangest thing is about Mas Rendy & Mbak Rara. Actually, that's not their real name, we do not even know their name, so Ozi and I make their name by our self hehehe. We met at the Trans Jogja Shelter, while we're waiting for the bus to go to Prambanan temple. We are in the same bus, when we arrived in Prambanan Shelter, we must walked to be arrived in gateway. When Ozi and I was walking, it was so hot so, fortunately we brought an umbrella, so we used it. But Mas Rendy & Mbak Rara didn't. The moment we laughed at is when Mas Rendy used his jacket to cover up his head while he let Mbak Rara swelter. He was so unromantic -_- I don't know why, but when we're in temple area, we always met them up and even in the close gate! I mean, how come we choose the same time to leave Prambanan? While we're met them up, Ozi always said 'Ayo buruan! Jangan mau kalah sama Mas-Mbak itu'. Yeah, we pretend that was a competition hehe. Well, after passed the close gate, we decided to have a lunch near the Shelter, and going back to the shelter to wait the bus. But unexpected thing happened, we met them again in the shelter! Okay, I know you think it was not that weird, keep reading, pals!

Mas Rendy & Mbak Rara was really surprised met us again. Mas Rendy asked Ozi 'Dari mana?' and Ozi replied 'Surabaya'

Surprisingly, he told 'Lho, kita juga dari Surabaya! Surabaya mana nya?' Okay, this become weirder.

Ozi said 'Kuliahnya mas yang di Surabaya, asalnya dari Gresik'

'Oh gitu, kuliah di mana?' Mbak Rara asked.

'ITS' me answered. The second weird things right? They can be come from anywhere, Jakarta, Medan, Palangkaraya, Makassar, but Surabaya?

In the third day, Ozi and I were waiting for the boarding schedule in McD, we choose seats near the window, and suddenly when I was looking for pedestrians, I saw Mas Rendy and Mbak Rara passed, and Mas Rendy looked at me too. And his expression like 'Lho?? Ketemu lagi??'  

Wait for it, fellas, it doesn't come to an end! 
At 3 pm, we are walking to station, and guess who we met there? Mas Rendy & Mbak Rara again! How-again-come they took the same train and schedule like us? I don't know why this could happened, maybe we have some things that involved both of them in the future or else, I just know, this is weird.  

Thank you, Fakhruzi, for accompanying me & for being my best :))

True.

Don't tell lies, is the last person you texted attractive?
Yes, he is.

You kissed someone last night, didn't you?
Nope.

Do you have a dog?
I hate animals.

Do you find smoking unattractive?
Yes, but my daddy did.

Is there anything your last ex said that you still constantly think of? What is it?
No. I've forgot every single thing about him.

What's upset you the most in the past week?
I can't remember that.

Last person you hugged?
My lovely pillow.

Do you think you'll have the same boyfriend/girlfriend a year from now?
Yes, I'm pretty sure.

Who are you more like, your mom or your dad?
Absolutely, my mom.

Are you single?
I was taken.

What's your favorite color out of these four: Green, Yellow, Blue or Pink?
Yellow. That's sunflower.

Will you regret your next kiss?
Hard to answer.

What are you planning on doing after this?
I would beg to Dad for something.

What are you listening to?
 This is the time. He wrote it for me :)

Do you have any mental disorders?
No.

Would you kiss anyone you have texts from in your phone?
Yes. Virtual kisses.

Do you think that your first love affects the way you go on with the rest of your life?
No, I don't. He has his own way, and I have mine.

Honestly, if you could go back one month and change something would you?
I would. I will change everything.

Do you like being home alone or does it freak you out?
I hate that. I'm afraid of being alone.

Are you the same person as you were at the beginning of 2009?
No, I do not have pimples in 2009.

Any plans for this weekend?
Study harder.

What would you do if your parent's walked in on you having sex?
With whom? My pillow?

Was 2009 a good year for you?
I prefer 2012.

Which of your friends is the most likely to get pregnant right now?
Issabella Swan.

What curse word do you say the most?
Avada Kedavra.

Do you hate the last guy/girl you had a conversation with?
No. He's my Dad.

What if you had a baby with the last person you texted?
Me gusta.

How old is the last person you kissed on the lips?
Oh, please, I live in Indonesia!

Who was the last person to carry you?
God.

Do you know what you want to be when you grow up?
Yes, become someone who make everyone notice me.

Do you wish someone would turn up at your front door right now?
Yes, I hope he would.

Who was the last person you had a face to face conversation with?
Again, Dad.

What were you doing at 6 PM last night?
Smiling, because he texted me.

What's in your wallet?
Money, driving licence, ID card, ATM, and his picture.

What's under your bed?
Carpet.

Do you sleep with anything?
Of course, my dearest pillow. And my phone!

Has someone ever called you handsome?
No. I'm totally a woman.

Are you wearing short shorts?
Right now? Yes!

Do you miss anyone?
My mom, my mom, and my mom.

What are you drinking?
Mineral water for the most.

Love really is a beautiful thing, huh?
Yes, it is :)

Did anything dramatic go down yesterday?
Yeah, between us.

Are you afraid to stay home all alone?
Sometimes.

Does the person you like, like you back?
Yes, he does.

Have you ever walked away from someone who was yelling at you?
Yes, when I'm crying.

Do you ignore people when you're mad/upset with them?
I'm trying to ignore someone right now.

Has anyone licked you in the past week?
No.

Did you kiss or hug anyone in the last 48 hours?
No.

When you say you don't care, do you mean it?
Well, actually I do care inside.

Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow?
Absolutely, I'm a koala.

How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking?
Very often.

Do you like to take walks?
Yeah. At the mall.

Can you recall the last time you liked someone a lot?
I still like him.

What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?
Well, now is still 10 am.

Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?
Yes. I kissed my pillow in bed.

Have you ever cried cause you were so mad?
I just did it.

What is on your wrists right now?
Nothing.

Did you sleep alone last night?
Yes.

Have you ever felt lonely?
I have that feeling right now.

How many hours of sleep did you get last night?
About 8.

What kind of music do you listen to the most?
Pop-country.

Reason for the last tear shed?
Him.

Have you ever felt like someone wanted to forget of your existence?
I want anyone realize my existence.

Are you keeping a secret from anyone?
Yes, I am.

Why are you in pain?
Because my selfishness.

Do you crack your knuckles a lot?
Yes.

Do you have clothes that are not yours?
yes, Mom's.

Has anyone recently asked you how far you have gone with your boyfriend/ girlfriend?
No. They can see in the bottom of my blog. lol

Do you remember who your first kiss was?
Mom?

What are you thinking about?
Him.. or this shitty questions?

Do you know how to read music?
Yes. Don't you?

How many studded belts do you own?
None.

Honestly, if you wanted to get laid right now, could you?
Do you ran out of questions?

Have you kissed someone with braces?
Does it feel good?

If you could change your eye color, what would it be?
Brown one.

Have you ever had a surprise birthday party?
Yes, I had an unbirthday surprise, too.

Is it hard for you to get over your ex's?
Yes, the last one.

Could you last in a relationship for over a year?
Yes, 1 year 7 months and 1 week.

Do you have a hard time admitting you're wrong?
Woman always right.

I got from here, anyway.

Give me more sun-day, please.

Well, today is Sunday, a day off for all students all over the world, but hey, why can't I feel the 'sun-day'? So, here I am, stuck in my room, doing a lots of school homework, preparing for final semester, preparing for UN, preparing for SNMPTN. Just too much preparing. Too much loads in my brain.

Please, self, be great, just for 4 months ahead. After that, I promise you'll be free. And for my brain, please be patient. Just a bit longer.

Oh, I just read a post about me from my dearest friend, Pita. And I'm really touched, truly. I'm proud for having someone like you, too, dear :)

Dear Nells

Dear Nells

Ini aku sahabat lamamu, Renata. Sudah hampir 46 tahun bukan? Aku sangat merindukanmu-kau tahu? Bagaimana kabarmu sekarang? Apa kau sehat-sehat saja? Maaf selama ini aku tidak pernah mengirim surat ataupun sekedar memberi kabar padamu. Aku hanya sibuk-menata kembali dunia dan hatiku.

Sahabat lamaku, apa kau masih ingat apa yang dikatakan Bu Diah kepada kita? Iya Bu Diah, guru sejarah kita sewaktu SMA. Apa kau ingat beliau pernah berkata 

“Keajaiban itu nyata. Kau harus mempercayainya, karena hanya dengan itu dia akan menghampirimu”

Aku ingat kita terobsesi dengan kata-kata Bu Diah. Hampir setiap waktu kita membicarakannya. Bahkan, kita pernah dihukum berdiri di luar oleh Pak Sis karena berbisik-bisik tentang itu. Aku bahkan tidak bisa berhenti tertawa ketika mengingatnya. Kita berdiri dengan satu kaki sambil memegang kedua telinga. Sungguh hal yang konyol.

Sahabatku, apa kau ingat tentang J? Ya, orang yang selalu kukagumi.

Ingatkah kau aku pernah berkata bahwa dialah keajaibanku? Aku tahu itu konyol, tapi aku tahu kau percaya padaku. 

Ingatkah kau bagaimana aku diam-diam memandanginya dari balik jendela kelas?

Ingatkah kau tentang rona merah yang menjalari pipiku tiap kali dia berjalan melewatiku?

Ingatkah kau bagaimana gilanya aku yang rela dihukum berdiri di tengah lapangan hanya agar dia berhenti sejenak untuk memandangku?

Ingatkah kau tentang mimpi-mimpi gilaku tentangnya di setiap malam?

Aku tahu segala tentangnya, bahkan setiap detail kecilnya. Aku tahu merek jam tangan yang dipakainya. Aku tahu apa lagu favoritnya. Aku tahu dia sangat suka warna merah-setiap senin dia selalu menggunakan jaket merah kesayangannya Aku tahu nasi goreng adalah makanan favoritnya. Aku tahu dia tidak suka eskrim. Aku tahu kebiasannya menyisir rambut dengan tangan ketika dia gundah. Aku ingat semuanya, aku mengingatnya sampai aku menangis.

Aku ingat betapa nyeri hatiku saat ketika hari kelulusan tiba, bahkan saat diriku dinobatkan sebagai siswi teladan, nyeri itu masih tetap ada.

Aku tidak mau mengingat ketika kau akhirnya memberanikan diri memberitahunya tentang perasaanku. Dia menjawab sambil tertawa

“Renata? Aku bahkan tidak tahu siapa dia. Dia bukan siapa-siapa, bukan?”

Kau tahu? Hatiku remuk mendengarnya. Pecah lebih dari berkeping-keping. Terlalu sakit, hingga aku tak bisa lagi merasakannya.

Sejak saat itu akhirnya aku memutuskan mengambil beasiswa doktor di Singapura. Aku bertekad untuk menunjukkan bahwa aku lebih dari sekedar bukan siapa-siapa. Sekali lagi, aku melakukan semua itu untuknya.

Dan akhirnya, 11 tahun kemudian setelah berhasil meraih gelar doktor dan hidup mapan, aku kembali ke Indonesia. Aku ingin menunjukkan padanya bahwa aku bukan Renata yang dulu. Aku sudah lebih dari hanya sekedar bukan siapa-siapa. Aku ingin mengutarakan perasaanku kepadanya., Nells. Perasaan yang selama ini menghantuiku, menyentakkanku dalam kerinduan luar biasa.

Saat itu aku berusia 31 tahun. Perlu waktu 2 tahun untuk mencari alamat di mana J tinggal. Dan akhirnya, dengan berbekal secarik kertas berisikan alamat J, aku membulatkan tekad untuk pergi menemuinya. Orang berkata bahwa aku tidak mungkin bisa mengenali orang yang hampir 13 tahun tidak kutemui. Namun satu hal yang membuat aku yakin, matanya. Aku tidak pernah mampu melupakannya, kedua mata hitam yang mampu membuatku berhenti bernafas untuk sekian detik.

Saat aku mengetuk pintu rumahnya, sesosok pria membukakan pintu bergaya Belanda. Dan aku berhenti bernafas…

tapi aku tidak mengenal matanya, Nells. Bukan sepasang mata J yang menatapku.

Sejurus kemudian, aku berdiri di sebuah makam bertuliskan Jonas Rusydian. Kakiku bergetar, tidak lagi mampu mempertahankan goyahnya diriku. Serasa aku kehilangan tombak yang selama ini menyanggaku. Serasa ada gelombang yang menghisapku ke dalam pusaran hitam kesedihan. Aku menangis. Keajaibanku hilang sudah. Penyesalan itu datang bertubi-tubi. Aku menyesal tidak datang lebih awal. Aku menyesal 13 tahun lalu tidak menyatakan perasaanku secara langsung kepadanya. Aku tidak akan pernah mendapatkan kesempatan itu lagi, bukan?

Aku menenggelamkan kesedihanku dengan terus bekerja. Aku bekerja tanpa henti hingga tak ada lagi ruang kosong dalam kepalaku untuk memikirkan J.

Aku masih sendiri hingga saat aku menulis surat ini padamu, Nells. Saat dimana seharusnya aku duduk santai di atas kursi goyangku, menikmati secangkir teh hangat sambil mendongeng kepada cucu-cucuku yang manis. Saat dimana seharusnya ada seseorang yang menggenggam tanganku, dan berbisik

“Aku ingin terus bersamamu di sisa hidupku. Aku tahu kau adalah takdirku”

Tapi aku tidak sanggup, Nells. Lubang ini hanya berisikan namanya. Celah jemariku hanya pas oleh genggaman tangannya. Dan sekarang, setelah hidup selama 64 tahun, aku baru saja menyadari satu hal. Mungkin benar J bukanlah keajaibanku. Tapi cintaku padanya-lah keajaiban itu. Cinta tanpa syarat, yang tetap utuh kugenggam hingga saat ini. Aku harap kembali memimpikannya malam ini-sudah 33 tahun ini aku selalu memimpikannya.

with love,

Renata

created by nells :)

quote of the day

maybe now, i'm not the best for you

but you have been the best for me

that's the reason why i've chosen you - nells

for my ex-boyfriends, i'm sorry and i always forgive you

h e a r t

me  : i'm afraid to fall

him : i'll catch you

me  : how if I fall because of you ?

him : how if I say never ?

hatiku telah berwarna, 

tapi tetap belum cukup untuk seluruhnya

maukah kau mewarnai sisanya ?