2.

Facing two options in your life is hard. But decide which of the two options is harder. We never know which one is the right one or maybe, there's no right one. And you just have to choose which wrong choices feels the least wrong. 

Please say we'll keep in words.

We'd said we'd keep in touch. But touch is not something you can do from distance. Touch is not something you can keep; as soon as it's gone, it's gone. We should have said we'd keep in words, because they are all we can string between us-words on a telephone line, words appearing on a screen. But they cause more complications than clarity. On the phone, there are always voices in the background. On the screen, there are always sentence saying he has to go.

David Levithan. How they meet and other stories.

Butuh pantai. Butuh teman untuk ke pantai. Butuh kamu.

<//3

4.

Where's the time brake? 

Engineers.

Engineers solve problems, but so do mathematicians.
Engineers analyze, but so do statisticians and economists.
Engineers design systems, do others ?

-Wayce C. Turner

2.

Kini saya tahu bagaimana rasanya diacuhkan itu. Well, sakit.

Tidak.

Saya sedang dihukum. Mungkin lebih tepatnya, saya sedang menghukum diri saya sendiri.

Well, saya sadar ini kesalahan saya sepenuhnya. Dan saya tidak mengeluh sedikitpun.

Drowning.

Ah, finally I could take a break even for a while. Been so serious, lately. There're so many jumbled thoughts in my head. How if I couldn't get good score on my UN, how if I failed on SNMPTN Undangan, how if I couldn't prepare my self for SNMPTN Tulis, how if...... There're so many how if-s.

I've done my very best for UN and SNMPTN Undangan. But you know, sometimes sesuatu yg menurut kita baik, belum tentu baik untuk kita. Well, I hope I've chose the right choices. I've done my best and I let Allah do the rest :)

Just heard a news that one of my friends just returned from Europe. While, some of us might just wishing. Well, life is unfair, right? ;)

:'

At this point, I think I'm tired for all of this. But I know, I shouldn't give up.

Saya tidak punya seribu.

Kamu bisa minta maaf seribu kali. Hanya saja, saya tidak yakin saya bisa memaafkan kamu hingga hitungan keseribu. Seratus itu sudah cukup banyak, apalagi seribu. Saya juga punya perasaan. Saya tidak bisa terus cuek atau berpura-pura baik-baik saja. Maybe I'm very good at faking smile, but pretending is not something easy to deal with, dear. Saya hanya minta satu hal. Dan tolong, jangan bilang lagi itu terlalu tinggi.

Yang sedang menunggu.

Hanya butuh duduk.

"Sabar, tinggal selangkah lagi' - @kshilvia

Iya, selangkah buat ujian praktek. Selangkah buat ujian sekolah. Selangkah buat UN. Dan satu langkah terakhir buat SNMPTN. Pernah merasa bosan belajar? Saya benar-benar merasakan itu di kelas dua belas ini. Saya bosan berlari. Saya bosan mengejar. Saya hanya butuh duduk. Tolong.

Sedang menyiapkan tidur siang.

 Ini benar-benar langka.

Eh.

Aku pengen masuk ini di sini deh. Yakin? Iya. Yakin? Iya. Yakin? Eh, tapi kayaknya universitas ini lebih bagus. Eh, sini aja deh banyak temennya. Eh, sini aja deh nggak banyak saingan. Eh, nggak boleh ortu jauh-jauh ternyata. Eh, sini aja deh lebih deket. Eh, sini aja deh nggak semahal di sana.

Sudah berapa Eh ya? Baru 6 kok. Baru 6 yang bikin galau. 

Memilih itu ternyata susah ya. Semua bilang 'Pilih yang kamu suka. Pilih sesuai minat kamu. Pilih yang terbaik buat kamu' Aku tau pasti apa yang aku suka, apa yang aku minati. Tapi yang terbaik? Aku nggak tau, mungkin belum tau tepatnya.

Yang pasti, yang terbaik itu letaknya jauuuuh di depan. Mungkin sekarang aku cuma perlu berjalan sedikit lagi. Dan tolong jangan berlari. Karena jatuh itu menyakitkan.

Sedang butuh bantuan. Segera.

Breathe.

Read this somewhere in a book

"And you'll know for sure is the more she makes you suffer, the more you find you love her"

I love you like that, dear. The more you make me suffer, the more I find I love you.
Crap. What am I doing to myself?

This is wht I'm scared after all this time.

Two young teenagers sit on silence. avoiding each other's eyes and busy on their mind. drowning. deeper. with some touch of memories which come like knifes. poking, scraping, scratching, and finally undermine their entire defense..

Girl:

he never make any effort for me, he doesn't even wanna fight for me, he said he miss me but he doesn't do anything, he told me that he loves me, but he never show me enough.

Guy: 

I'm tired of never being good enough, why she's asking so much? Isnt it just enough that I let her know she's the one and only? I tell her that I love her, and mean it. what should I do then?

Girl:

He never shows that he loves me in front of his guy friends, with those jerks he acts differently, he even doesnt want me to hang out very often with his guy friends. What else the reason except he's shy and embarrassed being with a girl like me? Yes yes, I know I'm not that pretty, that hot, that attractive or that attention-center-diva. Whatever boy, doesn't he know that I just wanna make friends, anyway, some of them are funny and I enjoy being around em.

Guy:

For god's sake, there's always always a line beside relationship and friendship. And yes, there's some jackass in my gang but they appreciate me and kind to me. I love them and I don't want to have any problem with you if you figure it out and start commenting or giving me advice about it. I'm avoiding arguments okay? Otherwise when I see you hang with them I'm also afraid that you could, probably, fall for one of them who's maybe more gentle than me, or a guitar cutie, or.. hell yes, I'm avoiding that possibility. with a little bit of jealousy. And duh, please stop being so insecure about yourself, you're not just pretty. Well, you're beautiful..

Girl:

Sometimes I can feel him staring and kinda make me blush, I think he thinks I'm kinda gorgeous.. but why he never tell me that? Sometimes I also want to get compliment doesn't he know?

Guy:

To be honest,  Im not that kind of corny-frontal boys, or romantic sorta thingy. I thought she already know by the way I treat you.. Otherwise, if she can't accept me just the way I am  then why did we even start this?

Girl:

Sometimes I want him to start opening up about what he really feels, he seem just okay with everything, even for me it looked like he doesnt care at all. I want that serious conversation so we both can explain what each other feels.. ah, he'll never be able to get whole mind on those kind of heavy stuff. He prefers having fun around and things. Anyway, I think it has no point anymore now..

Guy:

Not rarely I've been thinking to spontaneously tell her what's on my mind in some good situation. Like, you know, we just enjoy doing our things together and suddenly I pops out something, in kinda joking way so she can accept it positively. But, at the same time i dont think she can.. And now, look at her, she's about to end this.. It's just too late.

Girl:

"We're just, for some reason.. not meant to be, I guess.." But I love you! Please say something to make me stay!

Guy:

"So.. that's what you want.. I, I understand. Wish you a better life and thanks for everything." Damn, I dont know how long will it take to get over this, but I need to appreciate her decision..

(Last hug)

Girl: 

(holding tears) It's always like this, Im the only one who's hurt and he'll just go back to his friends. Laughing. Totally okay.

Guy: 

(looking up, close his eyes) Then she's gonna go to her girlfriends, go shopping, flirt to new boys and being just alright. Haha yes I knew it..

(Pull over, making some distance and look at each other eyes. Both of them are unreadable, too many emotions there so it's blurred)

Girl:

"Bye." I guess he never really loved me..

Guy:

"Bye." I guess she never really loved me..

Taken from venus aretha.

Di belakang, bukan di depan.

Rasanya udah lama banget nggak tidur. Bukan, aku bukan vampir, aku masih suka bawang putih kok. Maksudku, udah lama banget nggak ngerasain tidur yg cukup. Udah 3 hari ini begadang buat ngerjain tugas-tugas yang kalo ditumpuk mungkin udah dapet sebukit #berlebihan. Belajar tengah malem sampe pagi buat ulangan yang sehari bisa ada tiga. Tiga loh ya, satu ditambah satu ditambah satu lagi. Banyak.

Rasanya pengen banget bentar aja nggak belajar, tidur normal sehari aja. Tapi habis itu gimana? Kalau nilainya jelek gimana? Kalau rata-rata rapor turun gimana? Kalau-kalau-galau aja terus. Ya, mungkin emang bener ya kata si pepatah, 

berakit-rakit ke hulu berenang-renang ke tepian

bersakit-sakit dahulu bersenang-senang kemudian.

Mungkin emang harus sakit dulu ya, biar bisa ngerasain yg namanya seneng. Aku nyoba nggak ngeluh kok, aku yakin kalo emang kita pengen sukses, kita harus melebihkan usaha kita di atas usaha orang lain.

Man jadda wa jadda. Siapa yang bersungguh-sungguh akan berhasil. Semoga aku termasuk dari sekian banyak orang yg berhasil. Amin.

*^%*&^$#@!$

Apa susahnya sih ngasih tau? Apa susahnya sih bilang 'eh aku ntar ada ini loh....' I'm not sucha protective girlfie for God's sake. Aku cuma benci ga tau apa-apa dan tau apa-apa lewat orang lain, atau parahnya lagi lewat twitter. Like twitter told me everything, and you...told me nothing. Great. Kamu tau aku benci ini, tapi kenapa terus diulangin?

2.44 pm.

Too many test to succeed at. Can I stop for a while? I need to sleep.

Koma, titik.

Rasanya kayak lari jauh, jauh, jauh sekali, tapi ternyata..nggak ada yang dikejar ataupun yang mengejar.

I told you..my fairytale.

I was trying to fly, but I'm too scared become like Icarus. Did you know Icarus? No? Okay I'll tell you his story, prepare your pillows and sure, a cup of coffee. Trust me, you need it because it'll be a loooong post.

Who's Icarus? You like a Greek myth? Or have you ever read Percy Jackson? If you do, absolutely you know this sad-story. Icarus  is the son of the master craftsman Daedalus. The main story told about Icarus is his attempt to escape from Crete by means of wings that his father constructed from feathers and wax. He ignored instructions not to fly too close to the sun, and the melting wax caused him to fall to his death. A sad ending, rite? What a pity. This is one of the tragic examples of hubris or failed ambition.

Now you know how's the story. Sure, you know the reason why I'm scared. In my case, 'fly' not means 'fly' in Icarus' opinion. I mean 'fly' is reaching my dream, Icarus also did. He tried to reach his dream to see the sky, but hubris makes he fell. I'm too afraid if I become a arrogant-egoistical-too much self-confident person. I'm too afraid I fail. What if....What if...What if... I know, too much what ifs. 

Ozi, oh yea I changed my boyf's nick-name from Fae or Jake to Ozi. Well, he always tell me that all I need is just become myself. He knows that I have a big big big dream, and I need a big struggle to reach it. I really want to passed SNMPTN Undangan, I really do. I know everybody want it too, but in my case, I really really want it. Because I want to get in management (I'm a science program, btw). So my first chance is in SNMPTN Undangan. I'm a bit afraid to face SNMPTN tulis, like I'm a science program not a social. Could I prepare myself for a month? And I want prove my ability, I want to prove to my Dad, to my Grandma, to everyone who underestimate me, that I could.

My Grandma always compare me with my cousin, she got in Engineering. My Grandma told me that she was very proud has a grandchild like my cousin. And she also told that 'She's got in engineering. Only a smart one who could got in engineering. She's a really my family descendant. You? I'm not that sure'
I know Grandma, she's smart, very smart. But it hurts me when you said she's a really your family descendant and you're not sure that I am. It hurts, hurts. So, I have to get on engineering so you'll admit me to be yer descendant? Sorry Grandma, but I do have a choice.

Ozi told me that 'Don't let your future determined by your Grandma. It's your future, not hers'. I know, I really do. I just being tired become someone full of musts, shoulds and have to-s. Thanks. It just enough.

I'm so glad I have a boyf like him, who keeps me stronger to face this f-ing world. He take me high without a wing. Even I always pretend not to think he's my world, but he really is. Thank you, thank you, thank you :-)

You make me feel like..

Apakah kamu akan (tetap) menatapku seperti itu, bahkan ketika aku tidak menoleh sedikitpun padamu?